The day started rough. I was in a dark place last night. Of course I didn't sleep worth heck again. It seems I crash out hard at first. May get 2-3 hours then I am up. Wide awake till about 7 am. Then I crash out again for a few more hours. It's a weird sleep pattern at this time but I am getting enough sleep to operate this brain.
When you feel hopeless to help someone you want to help so badly, but find your self, not really being pushed away, just not opened up to yet, it does hurt a bit. I would do anything to ease the pain. But I am stuck so far away, all I have is the words in a text to try to comfort. I do many time, threw out the day feel I am bothering. I hate this, cause there is nothing I can do. Just sit and wait for the day. This does start to dig at you, as the days go by. If I say this or that, what's the outcome. I have kinda been waiting to be told "just leave me alone" I know I have said it many time in other post. I just cant help myself. When I dedicate my life and souls it's hard to deal with the silence. It has not inspired any happy, loving, sad or dark poems yet. Tho I am sure there are a few brewing in my mind.
Still have the issue that as soon as I lie down to sleep, the brain go wild, even after a few meditation sessions. It's not a bad thing tho it's more, the best thought comes out to play. What I am going to write about in the blog comes out in an awesome format, then of course it's gone when I wake up. Either I need to get back up, open the computer and write or let it slip away. I will have to decide soon. This could be the reason I am having sleep issues. Then ideas of new art comes flowing in right after. How to perfectly describe it. Then meditation outlines come rushing in. How I want to write up the dialogue for meditation practice. It's a never ending barrage of awesome thought, tho I am all tucked in and comfy. I have even noticed a few great poems flowing through my brain, but are lost just as fast as the brain is sayin them internal. I know I wanted to cover today a lot about my recovery. It's just not there now. Maybe I need to get a recorder. To have right there, so I just hit record and let loose. I think thats a great idea. Even tho I have a few devices that have those apps. I have noticed as soon as I unlock, find the app and hit record the thoughts are gone. I need a device that is just "hit record". Like those old mini tape recorders. I wonder if those are still around or if they all went digital. Hmmmm
I have done great to day with a few lessons written up. They just need to be read into a mic and formatted to be loaded to the site. Thats a great start on a project I have lacked for 2 years. I have 3 lessons ready to go out of a 7 day course. So not bad for a few hours of typing today. I was not sure if I was getting on here today to write a blog entry or not. WELL Here I am doing it so thats good. I have been lacking in my dairy entries lately. I need to get in to that app and catch up. Still having eating issues, but that is no new thing for me. I do have to say this is one of the worst months I have had in years. Then again out of the 5 years Clean. I have had an average of maybe 60 great days 110 ok days and the rest of the year count was total living hell. Now these Great, Ok , and Hell Days are all scattered through the months. I have to say this month is all hell with 3 great days zero good days. While the rest, I am in my room praying to be taken cause I really can't deal with this anymore. I am exhausted to no ends here. But as a new day comes. I try my best to make what I can out of it. Most of the type I am writing cause well thats what I do. A few days working on my music tracks, blogging and staying up with my X family. Tho I do think I will be stepping away from X for a few days, just to deal with some normal heath issues I received once I got clean. Nothing to worry about what so ever. Just, they seem to be hitting me harder this month than normal.
The not able to eat thing does have its effects on me. We eat as humans to fuel our bodied with what is needed to operate. When it get back to eating gold fish crackers and boiled ground beef cause the tummy cant deal with the fats in the meats. I know I am in for a rough few days or weeks. It's been about 3 weeks so far, thats all I can eat. I try to eat other things, but man does it mess my tummy up bad. For those that don't know. Being on Vicodin for 17 years by doctors orders and prescriptions, you find out real fast with in the first 3 day that if you don't take an antacid, you feel like you have food poisoning. Take it from me that has had food poisoning. It was an exact match. Every 15 minutes throwing up then maybe 5 minutes of rest, just to have it happen again. Over and over for hours. So that being said. I found out I need to take a PPI. Protein Pump Inhibitor like omeprazole (Prilosec). This over the counter drug shuts down the digestive acids in the stomach. Think about it, most only go on that for 7 days at a time. I tool it for 17 years, once a day. Just to keep from getting sick from the amount of Vicodin going into my system. So braking that down, think about what those pills hit first. The stomach. Thats where 90% of my issues are. From bloating to tummy aches. Just all around feeling like crap. Cant put anything in to the stomach cause it just messes me up badly. I destroyed my stomach and I am paying for it now. Oh I am I paying for it. It gets to the point the tummy growls like feed me now but I am afraid to eat. I have gotten afraid of food. No matter what it is. Just a word from the wise. DON"T DO DRUGS!!!! STREET OR LEGSL PRESCRIPTION FROM A DOCTOR . You will be sorry. Mine was all legal valid prescriptions. Well time to try to get something in my tummy.
Well I think I gave out enough information for the day. have to save some for the next day right??